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Emergency Speech Efficiency Measures Spring 2021
Dear all -
It has not gone unnoticed by the college administration that some of our more earnest faculty have been getting pretty mouthy since we declared victory over the Coronavirus pandemic. In light of unprecedented disrespect, sour looks, and hand gestures, we regret feeling forced to implement the following emergency speech efficiency measures immediately:
Reprimands will be issued fairly and impartially to each faculty member once per month by the Associate Dean of Free Speech, with additional reprimands where cause can be shown. Penalties range from hurt feelings to dismissal, depending on a spin of the Wheel of Consequences, on loan from the Criminal Justice Department.
Grievances must be reviewed and approved by the Associate Dean of Free Speech before they can be allowed to proceed. Grievances against the Associate Dean of Free Speech may not proceed. Per our agreement with the State Police, complaints about the conduct of the Women’s Soccer team will be referred to the relevant authorities.
All e-mails must now be reviewed by IT. Any e-mails from lawyers, reporters, accreditors, regulators, health officials, “scholars,” day cares, or cryptids will be summarily rejected. Faculty are prohibited from opening, flagging, forwarding, carbon copying, or deleting messages from…
