Member-only story
I Am Hamlet, and I Don’t Understand Why You Crybabies Are So Unhappy
People today think they have it SOOO bad. Have any of you turds ever been kidnapped by pirates? NO? Then you need to shut the fuck up.
I hear a lot of you are complaining about having to stay inside. First of all, and this is Hamlet talking, grow up. Second, there are so many things you can do right at home. You could do what I did and use lockdown to fuck with your fam. I made a large traveling troupe of professional actors troll my stepdad by reenacting his murder of my father. You should have seen him — he was all like, “Give me some light; away!” LOL. Ask Horatio. Shit was tight.
If theatre isn’t your thing, you could play hide-and-seek with a corpse. One time, I accidentally murdered my girlfriend’s dad. And then I hid his corpse. And then I joked about how the people who were looking for him could find him by the smell. So classic, but people were like, pissed at me for some reason!
We all have problems. You want free “health care?” Do you want to know how they treated illness in my time? A barber would cut you open and watch you bleed. Yeah, I know, pretty gangsta. And if that didn’t kill you, they would prescribe emetics and laxatives so you would puke and shit yourself to death. AT THE SAME TIME. And did I hear that you have VACCINES now? Do you want to know what we…
