Macbeth’s Heartwarming Letter to His Successor

First and foremost, you will probably have to murder some folks.

Dear Malcolm -

Congratulations on an incredible run. Back when I thought I couldn’t be killed, I never imagined that things would turn out this way.

I’m literally the worst guy to give you advice, but I wanted to impart some lessons I learned to help prepare you for the challenges of leadership.

First and foremost, you will probably have to murder some folks. It’s an occupational necessity. Try to limit your murders to the battlefield, where it’s fine to unseam men from nave to chaps so that your sword smokes with bloody execution. For whatever reason, you’ll feel worse about sending murderers to execute your homeboys. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

In my experience, you’re going to suffer a haunting here or there, but they’re probably just false creations proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain. All the ghosts seem to be able to do is sit in your chair looking pissed off. As long as you can tolerate some spooky interludes, you’re good to go.

Probably hold off on taking advice from people with loaded names like Seyton, Third Witch, or Rudy Giuliani.

Don’t let the critics get you down. Although all the mean things people said about me were true, I…