Revenge Fantasies for Idiots: Glint Eatwood’s Rebel Crybaby

Part 7 in an ongoing series

Winslow Homer, “Prisoners from the Front.” Public domain courtesy of The Metropolitan Museum of Art

Innocent Confederate outlaw and titular rebel crybaby Joey Cryhard is on the run after managing to escape a brutal massacre by a bloodthirsty Union Captain.

Ironically spared from death by his refusal to lay down arms, he spends the rest of the film murdering waves of relentless Union assassins and effete bounty hunters. And a bunch of Comanches. And a traveling mariachi band from Mexico City. And a handful of saloon owners, bartenders, and floozies.

He’s cool as a cucumber on the outside, but inside, he’s a raging infant in search of a mommy to soothe him. He finds the woman he’s looking for in Silent Nancy (played by a wooden but winsome Mrs. Eatwood), whom he rescues from a Comanchero slave caravan. She calls him “Jody” through the whole film.

There’s a running gag where Joey endearingly spits tobacco juice everywhere — in spittoons, on dogs, on ladies’ dresses, on men’s heads and clothes, on children, insects, and arachnids (which, contrary to popular belief, are not insects). About half the movie is Joey spitting. One time, out of politeness, he decides to swallow instead of spit.

Most of the other half is him killing people. But he’s definitely just an innocent good guy who wants to live his…